I graduated high school and began trying to get into Syracuse University to go to Crouse College Design School. (Dad said I would never get in – so I had to prove him wrong.) I worked three jobs and made friends with more unbelievers and began drinking and going out dancing. I dated boys and had sex with them thinking it was love. I was accepted into Syracuse – Crouse College with scholarships and student loans, elated, I went to college. Some of the guys in the Sheriff’s Department, friends of Dad’s, took me and my stuff to college and I went for 1 1/2 years. I joined Navigators and went to Bible Studies in our dorm but I didn’t understand the Bible at all. I lived a double life wanting Jesus, going to Bible study and then went out dancing and drinking with non-believers. I tried to work a night security job and go to school because it cost so much to go there. While there, pain overwhelmed my body and they wrote me prescriptions for narcotics that I flushed down the toilet. My Dad told me he was getting divorced again so I chose to go home to help with my little sister. When I arrived to my Dad’s house, he had reconciled with his wife and she didn’t want me to stay. I had no place else to go but to my paternal grandparents house.
I woke up one day with my Grandfather in my bed and Grandma was at work. (Grandma never knew about the molestations.) When she came home, I begged her to get me a job at the factory she worked in. I started a few days later. I worked in injection molding and made friends with the manager’s daughter. We went out dancing and drinking until she was moving to Pompano Beach and asked me to drive down with her. I bought a plane ticket to return and drove down with her. I loved it so much in Florida and loved the Palm trees that I wanted to stay. We were staying with her sister so I got a job at a grocery store and stayed. I stayed! Grandma sent me my belongings and we rented a trailer next to her sister.
I worked at the Winn Dixie and walked to work and back home. I began dating my manager’s son and we fell in love and were married within three months. (I think if I remember it correctly.) We went to Assembly of God church together, although he was Catholic. Again, I got pregnant but I had made an inner vow when I was young that I would not have children because I did not want to hurt a child as I was hurt, and I did not want to be hurt as I hurt my mother when I lashed out at her. I had another abortion. After three years, my husband cheated on me, didn’t come home and moved out. By that time, I had worked at Boca Raton News in the Ad Design Department and moved on to an Ad Agency in West Palm Beach.
When my marriage was over I tried to stay in Florida because I did not want to go home. After a few months, I returned home to Grandma’s house and shortly got my own apartment. Grandpa was suffocating to death of COPD and I helped Grandma any way I could to help her take care of him.
At that time, I began going to the same counselor who was my parents marriage counselor. He shared much about my parents with me and tried to help me. The issues I had with counseling was that it made me more angry and never helped me nor healed me. I went through sexual abuse group therapy and learned about how that had affected me, hurt me, changed me and how I needed to confront and forgive my Grandfather. I was able to talk to him before he died and by this time Grandma knew about the abuse.
Shortly after this, I moved to Bellevue, Washington to fully walk with God. I knew I had to move to Washington when I gave my whole life to Him. I packed up my little red CRX with my clothes, airbrush and art supplies, gave away most of my belongings and threw away almost all of my artwork. Driving straight through from New York to Washington, I made it in three days. As I drove across the Northern United Stated, I stopped and bought Amy Grant, Sandi Patty and other worship cassette tapes and praised Jesus all the way there! When I got there, I picked up the Bible and it was as if someone turned on the a light bulb. I understood the Bible! It was a miracle!!!
As soon as I arrived in Washington, I remember the smell of the pine trees and the beautiful lakes, trees and mountains. It was breath-taking and I was there! Aunt Mary and Uncle Roger allowed me to stay with them. I was finally going to know who God was! I began going to church but the church was in trouble. I began to dance before the Lord, worship Him night and day and read my Bible all of the time. I was falling more and more in love with Jesus and wanted to tell everyone about Him. The church was at the end of a “Move of God” and was split. I knew nothing about church, I just wanted more of Jesus.
Aunt Mary and I went to church as much as we could go. They had services Wednesday nights, Friday nights, all day Sunday – morning and evening. All I wanted was Jesus.
Within six months the church was closed and some went “underground” while others stopped going to church or found a new church to attend. (The “Move” in hind sight was the kundalini spirit.)
I met a man who was getting a divorce and thought I fell in love with him. After a year, we were married and his two children came to live with us. We rented a home in Redmond and my husband continued to date another woman from church – without my knowledge. After six years of physical, mental and sexual abuse from him, we divorced.
I felt like I had lived several lifetimes and I was only 32.